God is in Control

Before I had kids and dreamed of what kind of mom I would be..well, let's just say it looked nothing like the mom I am.  I did not plan to be overweight, tired, lazy, grouchy.  At that time I was this thin, athletic, truly full of joy person.  I smiled more than I frowned and I laughed often.  That version of me would not recognize me the way I am now in the mirror.

So, in the last 12 hours I've walked twice.  I'm not sure I can continue to walk 2 times a day everyday but I am DETERMINED to walk at least once a day 5 days a week to get started.  I used to be a runner and I'm not sure I can get back to there because of all the damage I did over the years.  Maybe IF any  of this weight ever comes off I could run without to much pain again.  I would love to get back to that.  Running was my escape, my sanity, my time with God.  I worshipped God with my whole self when running.  Gave EVERYTHING to Him.  I don't know if anyone else understand or has ever felt that way about exercise.  I hope one day to feel that way again. 

Right now, I spend a lot of time thinking about what I let go.  Not just my body, but my joy.  I'm not talking about happiness, but JOY.  The kind that you can only get from knowing God well.  I made mistakes-married the wrong man, divorced that man and then gave up on myself sure that God had given up on me as well.  I lived as a person who did not know God.  Tried to hide from Him and was really angry at God for a long time.  He took my dad away and let me make these mistakes.  I did not love myself and thought there was no way that another human or even God himself could love me.  I had gone so far off the path that i had planned during many talks with God.  I was going to be this "great Christian."  I had given up singing, praising God with my voice and my voice was gone.  So was my healthy, athletic body.  My love and my joy.  I doubted God's love and I could not find love for myself.

I still struggle with thinking if people really knew me they wouldn't be my friend.  I've gone years now without true friendships because I was sure there was no way anyone else could like me.  I have no idea what others see when they look at me.  I can only hope it's not what I so often see.  AND a lot of what I see is not the truth but Satan tearing me down.  Unfortunately, some of it is true and I am working on that.  I have let health issues dictate my body for years now.  And I'm going into this knowing I may not lose weight.  My body may not allow it, but I am also going into it knowing that I am strong.  I can do a lot of things that many people who are overweight can't.  And if I don't lose weight I will gain energy and self confidence.  And my children will gain a healthy mom-inside and out.  Not only do I deserve to be a healthy mom, they deserve to have one.

Leaving with this today...this is SO not how I planned it but I am blessed that God is in charge and He holds me in His loving hands. He is in control and my faith lies in Him.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 2 Tim 1:7 (AMP)

I am claiming this verse today.  I know He has given me a spirit of POWER and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.  These things will keep me moving each day towards a healthier body and mind!

God is In Control by Twila Paris
This is no time for fear



This is a time for faith and determination


Don't lose the vision here


Carried away by emotion


Hold on to all that you hide in your heart


There is one thing that has always been true


It holds the world together






God is in control


We believe that His children will not be forsaken


God is in control


We will choose to remember and never be shaken


There is no power above or beside Him, we know


God is in control, oh God is in control






History marches on


There is a bottom line drawn across the ages


Culture can make its plan


Oh, but the line never changes


No matter how the deception may fly


There is one thing that has always been true


It will be true forever






He has never let you down


Why start to worry now?


He is still the Lord of all we see


And He is still the loving Father


Watching over you and me






watching over you...watching over me..


watching over every things..


watching over you..watching over me..


every little sparrow..every little things...

I started to post an update on here as to what this last week has been like...but then decided that my facebook status updates would CLEARLY describe what we have been through since my husband's surgery.

Kristina Morrell is asking family and friends to pray for my family tonight and tomorrow. Brian Morrell goes in tomorrow morning for his lumbar fusion. He is anxious and the kids are too. Chance is especially having a hard time tonight. The kids are going to school tomorrow-please pray that they have good easy days. Pray for the surgeon's hands tomorrow as well. Apr 4, 2010 via Facebook

Kristina Morrell waiting to go sit with brian and wait for surgery to start so i can wait for it to be over with. Apr 5, 2010 via Facebook


Kristina Morrell they are taking him back now. 2.5 to 4 hours. Will update me hourly. Brians grandma came to sit with me. Apr 5, 2010 via Facebook

Kristina Morrell so far so good Apr 5, 2010 via Facebook

Kristina Morrell got to see him. Lots of pain. Ok spine hospital room 112. Apr 5, 2010 via Facebook


Kristina Morrell is staying at the hospital tonight thanks to my bro and sis in law offering 2 keep my kids overnight. Apr 5, 2010 via Facebook

Kristina Morrell so there was a tear in the membrane and brian will have until fri most likely and cannot elevate his head or get up tonight. Pain is bad. Apr 5, 2010 via Facebook

Kristina Morrell This is Kris's sister Teri. I just talked to her and she has not been able to access facebook from the hospital so she wanted me to update. Brian is still in a lot of pain but the doctor came in this morning and said that he may get to come home as early as tomorrow!! They are starting his physical therapy today and he is getting to sit up some. Thank you all for the prayers and support, keem them coming! Apr 6, 2010 via Facebook

Kristina Morrell heading back to the hospital with the kids for a few hours. Brian got up twice today and walked to the door and back in his room. His head has been hurting and they are trying to decide if it has to do with the tear and fluid leak. His pain is still pretty high but all in all he is doing well. The doctor said he could come home as early as Wed but I feel it will be closer to Thur or Friday. Apr 6, 2010 via Facebook

Kristina Morrell thinks nurses who think their patients are a pain in the butt should keep their mouths shut until their wife is ou t of the building for the night. Apr 6, 2010 via Facebook

Kristina Morrell is finally home. This has been the LONGEST night. I talked to the nurse manager before I left the hospital. She switched out the nurse for the rest of the evening. Apologized to me for our nurse's behavior and told me I needed to speak with a supervisor in the a.m. because this is a problem they have been having. Then we left there to go to urgent care at 9:30 p.m. because Apr 6, 2010 via Facebook

Kristina Morrell is headed to bed. Hoping to get a good night's sleep and that the kids and I wake up with happy smiley faces ready for a new day. Praying for my husband at the hospital all by himself-that his pain is eased and that he sleeps well through the night. Apr 7, 2010 via Facebook

Kristina Morrell let the kids sleep a little extra this morning but we are all still dragging. GOing to be a long day. Headed to the hospital as soon as I drop the kids off. 3 days ago via Facebook

Kristina Morrell rehab center recom anyone?

Kristina Morrell might have to go back in thur*back is bleeding. Dr. P put 3 staples in just at the top. Waiting on after hospital rehab evak.

Kristina Morrell is home for about 10 minutes-getting the boys off to their moms for the evening then Kelley and I get to go hang out at the hospital for the evening. Fun times. Brian is now not allowed to get out of bed again and can only have his head slightly elevated. Don't know when any decisions about tomorrow will be made. 3 days ago via Facebook

Kristina Morrell HEaded back to the hospital for the evening. Kids are all gone to various places so they don't have to endure the boredom and drive me insane. Hopefully I get there before the new doctor so I can talk to him personally. 3 days ago via Facebook


Kristina Morrell unless there is significant change brian is on the schedule for the am to go back in the or. Have to how i can get the kids to school and myself here. 3 days ago via Facebook

Kristina Morrell 2nd surgery at 7:30 am. Not sure i will be here they take him back. Sad. 3 days ago via Facebook

Kristina Morrell is tired, worn out, frustrated, etc... Thankful that my bro and sis in law will be able to come and get the kids up and out the door so I can leave SUPER early to get to the hospital before they take Brian back for surgery. They are going to re-open the site, look for a spinal fluid leak, clean the area up and close it back up again. Not a big surgery but still a surgery. 3 days ago via Facebook


Kristina Morrell is hoping I can sleep a few hours. I am anxious about the morning, and don't want to oversleep. Plus, there are noises going on that I NEVER notice when Brian is home. Started a fire to warm up the den where the kids and I are sleeping. It's relaxing to watch at least if I can't sleep. 3 days ago via Facebook

Kristina Morrell is thankful that I slept well for a while this morning. Just waiting on my bro and sis in law to arrive so I can head to the hospital before they take him back for surgery. Thanks everyone. 2 days ago via Facebook

Kristina Morrell please pray for brians health, finances, and my sanity.

Kristina Morrell just took him back. Should be about 2 hours.


Kristina Morrell surgery is over. No spinal fluid just tissue. Has a drain again and will stay in bed a couple days this time. Antibiotics through the weekend. Found places for all 3 kids and trex for the weekend so i can stay here. 2 days ago via Facebook

Kristina Morrell really needs something to go right for me. I am failing at providing and caring for my family right now. Please pray for me today. 2 days ago via Facebook

Kristina Morrell is feeling more relaxed and sane this evening. Brian's pain is being much better managed this evening and he is resting fairly well. He's on a liquid diet and in bed for the next 2 days. Hoping to get him up sometime this weekend and still waiting to hear if he's approved for the rehab center. Thanks all. 2 days ago via Facebook


Kristina Morrell is going to try to get some sleep. As much as you can get on a fold out love seat in a room where people come in and out all night. Brian is resting well and says he's going to sleep now. We shall see-usually about the time I am ALMOST asleep he wants to roll over. Thanks everyone, will update tomorrow after we see the doctor. 2 days ago via Facebook

Kristina Morrell would like to introduce the staff at OK Spine Hospital to the real Brian Morrell he is much more like himself this a.m. Dr. P says oe more day in bed and that he can sit up. He sat up for about 30 minutes and his head is now hurting. Please pray that this would stp because it is so hard on him to be flat on his back. 1 day ago via Facebook

Kristina Morrell is hoping things get better. Brian is feeling worse this afternoon. Switched from shots to pills and may be here another 4-5 days. 1 day ago via Facebook

Kristina Morrell requesting prayer regarding next week. I am supposed to work at the state women's retreat next Th, Fri, and Sat. It has been planned on since last fall. If Brian is not settled in somewhere by Tuesday then I don't feel I can go. I will be disappointed and I am torn on what to do...need some definitive answers and plans made. 1 day ago via Facebook

Kristina Morrell going to sleep while I can. Brian is resting well and I think the nurse and aide are done for a few hours so I'm going to sneak in some rest while I can. Night world. 1 day ago via Facebook

Kristina Morrell Brian is still fighting a bad headache & nausea. They are going to keep the lumbar drain in all weekend and keep him in bed. He can't raise the bed it has to remain flat. They plan to try to get him up on Monday and if all goes well then Tuesday he will either go to a rehab center or home. Pray that all goes well and pray for his spirits as well. Thanks all. 16 hours ago via Facebook


Kristina Rene Kelley Morrell is anticipating the excitement of who our next nurse and aide will be??? Will we know them already or will they both be brand new to us? LOL. Brian is kind of resting. He was awake a lot more today and we cleaned him up as best we could without sitting up or getting out of bed and it wore him out.

Kristina Rene Kelley Morrell is going to lie down and see if I can get a few more hours of sleep tonight. I think Brian is settled for a bit so I'd better do it now. 2 hours ago
 
 
Kristina Rene Kelley Morrell was finally starting to relax when Brian Morrell started yelling to me that his head was hurting really bad. Then said to check the drain because he could feel something wet and sure enough the drain had come disconnected again. The build up was causing the extreme headache and let me tell you it's the worst headache I've ever had-migraine x10.     52 minutes ago


That's where we stand now at 2:30 in the morning.  I'm sitting here blogging because I can't sleep and everytime I come close Brian needs help with something.  I won't be able to stay the night again tomorrow night because all of the kids are coming home tomorrow.  Have I mentioned that I like things to go the way I or someone else planned them????

Letting go...

18 year old me had life planned out.  I knew exactly what I wanted to do and how I was going to go about doing it.  I did NOT plan on taking a break from college to help care for my dad and I did NOT plan on him daying when I was only 22 years old and I most DEFINITELY did NOT plan that I would ever be divorced, remarried, a step-mother, and I certainly never imagined that I would someday be caring for my husband similar to the way my mom cared for my dad.

I was going to live this "perfect" life.  I was going to be a counselor, marry a minister (of some sort), have 4 children and we would become missionaries and travel and help others-because I had it ALL figured out. 

I do not want any of this to imply that I would go back and change any of it and not end up where I am now.  As hard as my day to day can sometimes be I am so happy to be married to my husband, mother to our little girl and his boys and daughter.  I tell the kids constantly that I got my 4 children I always wanted and at one point thought I would never have.

You would think after all of this time I would learn that God has got it all figured out and I should REALLY just let go and let Him do the planning-but no, I in my humanity, am STILL trying to tell Him how to run things.  We are talking down to the day my husband's surgery should be.  I gave God 2 days to choose from and when it didn't happen I literally felt like laying on the floor and kicking and screaming.  I had a fit-pouted all day and was horrible to be around.  I called my mommy and had a good cry and got over myself by that evening.

Here's the reader's digest version of how I got where I am today and I'm sure over time I will expand on these times in my life and how they got me to where I am.  I graduated from high school in 1993, started college at EOSC and  got my Associate's degrees in Psychology and Elementary Education.  I then got a part-time job in McAlester and  helped my mom take care of my dad.  I got to know him really well and we developed a friendship that I treasure now.  I got married in Nov of 1997.  My dad passed away in April of 1998 just weeks before my 23rd birthday and before I made it back home to visit him.  Despite the fact that it had been coming for most of my life I did not handle it well.  I don't remember a lot about that time period.  My ex-husband and I struggled for several years with infertility and eventually reached a point where we decided to give up trying.  I was told I would never have a child on my own and resigned myself to that fact.  I got divorced in Nov 2001-we split up on our 4th anniversary.  It was the 2nd hardest time of my life.  A year later I met Brian-in almost every way he was the opposite of what I planned.  I was never going to marry someone who had been divorced and I certainly was NOT going to marry someone who had children.  And here we are 8 years later-happily married, raising our daughter (my miracle from God) and his boys live with us full-time and his daughter visits us as often as she wants.  We are still struggling and fighting and figuring out together how to parent with someone else, how to communicate with each other and how to follow God's will for our lives and teach our children how to do this better than we did. 

I struggle daily with needing to plan things out and wanting to know what happens next.  Wishing God could pen things in on the calendar so I can know His plans.  Though I'm sure if He did that I would start trying to change things and tell Him what we could do to make it better. 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jer 29:11 NIV