Letting go...

18 year old me had life planned out.  I knew exactly what I wanted to do and how I was going to go about doing it.  I did NOT plan on taking a break from college to help care for my dad and I did NOT plan on him daying when I was only 22 years old and I most DEFINITELY did NOT plan that I would ever be divorced, remarried, a step-mother, and I certainly never imagined that I would someday be caring for my husband similar to the way my mom cared for my dad.

I was going to live this "perfect" life.  I was going to be a counselor, marry a minister (of some sort), have 4 children and we would become missionaries and travel and help others-because I had it ALL figured out. 

I do not want any of this to imply that I would go back and change any of it and not end up where I am now.  As hard as my day to day can sometimes be I am so happy to be married to my husband, mother to our little girl and his boys and daughter.  I tell the kids constantly that I got my 4 children I always wanted and at one point thought I would never have.

You would think after all of this time I would learn that God has got it all figured out and I should REALLY just let go and let Him do the planning-but no, I in my humanity, am STILL trying to tell Him how to run things.  We are talking down to the day my husband's surgery should be.  I gave God 2 days to choose from and when it didn't happen I literally felt like laying on the floor and kicking and screaming.  I had a fit-pouted all day and was horrible to be around.  I called my mommy and had a good cry and got over myself by that evening.

Here's the reader's digest version of how I got where I am today and I'm sure over time I will expand on these times in my life and how they got me to where I am.  I graduated from high school in 1993, started college at EOSC and  got my Associate's degrees in Psychology and Elementary Education.  I then got a part-time job in McAlester and  helped my mom take care of my dad.  I got to know him really well and we developed a friendship that I treasure now.  I got married in Nov of 1997.  My dad passed away in April of 1998 just weeks before my 23rd birthday and before I made it back home to visit him.  Despite the fact that it had been coming for most of my life I did not handle it well.  I don't remember a lot about that time period.  My ex-husband and I struggled for several years with infertility and eventually reached a point where we decided to give up trying.  I was told I would never have a child on my own and resigned myself to that fact.  I got divorced in Nov 2001-we split up on our 4th anniversary.  It was the 2nd hardest time of my life.  A year later I met Brian-in almost every way he was the opposite of what I planned.  I was never going to marry someone who had been divorced and I certainly was NOT going to marry someone who had children.  And here we are 8 years later-happily married, raising our daughter (my miracle from God) and his boys live with us full-time and his daughter visits us as often as she wants.  We are still struggling and fighting and figuring out together how to parent with someone else, how to communicate with each other and how to follow God's will for our lives and teach our children how to do this better than we did. 

I struggle daily with needing to plan things out and wanting to know what happens next.  Wishing God could pen things in on the calendar so I can know His plans.  Though I'm sure if He did that I would start trying to change things and tell Him what we could do to make it better. 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jer 29:11 NIV