God is in Control

Before I had kids and dreamed of what kind of mom I would be..well, let's just say it looked nothing like the mom I am.  I did not plan to be overweight, tired, lazy, grouchy.  At that time I was this thin, athletic, truly full of joy person.  I smiled more than I frowned and I laughed often.  That version of me would not recognize me the way I am now in the mirror.

So, in the last 12 hours I've walked twice.  I'm not sure I can continue to walk 2 times a day everyday but I am DETERMINED to walk at least once a day 5 days a week to get started.  I used to be a runner and I'm not sure I can get back to there because of all the damage I did over the years.  Maybe IF any  of this weight ever comes off I could run without to much pain again.  I would love to get back to that.  Running was my escape, my sanity, my time with God.  I worshipped God with my whole self when running.  Gave EVERYTHING to Him.  I don't know if anyone else understand or has ever felt that way about exercise.  I hope one day to feel that way again. 

Right now, I spend a lot of time thinking about what I let go.  Not just my body, but my joy.  I'm not talking about happiness, but JOY.  The kind that you can only get from knowing God well.  I made mistakes-married the wrong man, divorced that man and then gave up on myself sure that God had given up on me as well.  I lived as a person who did not know God.  Tried to hide from Him and was really angry at God for a long time.  He took my dad away and let me make these mistakes.  I did not love myself and thought there was no way that another human or even God himself could love me.  I had gone so far off the path that i had planned during many talks with God.  I was going to be this "great Christian."  I had given up singing, praising God with my voice and my voice was gone.  So was my healthy, athletic body.  My love and my joy.  I doubted God's love and I could not find love for myself.

I still struggle with thinking if people really knew me they wouldn't be my friend.  I've gone years now without true friendships because I was sure there was no way anyone else could like me.  I have no idea what others see when they look at me.  I can only hope it's not what I so often see.  AND a lot of what I see is not the truth but Satan tearing me down.  Unfortunately, some of it is true and I am working on that.  I have let health issues dictate my body for years now.  And I'm going into this knowing I may not lose weight.  My body may not allow it, but I am also going into it knowing that I am strong.  I can do a lot of things that many people who are overweight can't.  And if I don't lose weight I will gain energy and self confidence.  And my children will gain a healthy mom-inside and out.  Not only do I deserve to be a healthy mom, they deserve to have one.

Leaving with this today...this is SO not how I planned it but I am blessed that God is in charge and He holds me in His loving hands. He is in control and my faith lies in Him.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 2 Tim 1:7 (AMP)

I am claiming this verse today.  I know He has given me a spirit of POWER and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.  These things will keep me moving each day towards a healthier body and mind!

God is In Control by Twila Paris
This is no time for fear



This is a time for faith and determination


Don't lose the vision here


Carried away by emotion


Hold on to all that you hide in your heart


There is one thing that has always been true


It holds the world together






God is in control


We believe that His children will not be forsaken


God is in control


We will choose to remember and never be shaken


There is no power above or beside Him, we know


God is in control, oh God is in control






History marches on


There is a bottom line drawn across the ages


Culture can make its plan


Oh, but the line never changes


No matter how the deception may fly


There is one thing that has always been true


It will be true forever






He has never let you down


Why start to worry now?


He is still the Lord of all we see


And He is still the loving Father


Watching over you and me






watching over you...watching over me..


watching over every things..


watching over you..watching over me..


every little sparrow..every little things...